Grandpa, Grandpa tell us a story! Tell us about the dragons! No tell us about the seamonsters! No tell us about the Giants!
Now hold on there you bunch of rascals. Settle down settle down, im just one old man. Gimme a minute. Ok I got one. So quiet now. I’ll tell ya the tale of how I became one of the heroes of Estilin…
Now it wasn’t to long back I was layin’ under the stars in the hills just up from Koranth. I had stopped to make camp after I had dropped some folks off in town, who I’ld taken on a hunting trip. The fire was low by now and my squirrel supper had gone down nice and easy. I was thinking I might make my way over to Lake Tolfir to see some friends, when I must have drifted off to sleep.
I had fitful dreams of Goblins, now I don’t much care for them goblins, and traveling to somewhere. It seemed I was in and out of sleep, but I couldn’t make myself wake up fully. Anyhow, when I finally came to, the world was tipping this way and that, and it took me a few minutes to shake out the cob webs. That’s when I realized I was on a dagone boat! And in Shackles to boot! Course it turns out I wernt the only fella in this predicament. I was chained up to two other fellas and a bushel ‘o corpses. Now I assumed they was corpses at first cause I couldn’t really tell if the smell were them or me, but it soon came to light it were them. So the other two fellas turns up was a skinny fella named Alvanas and a younger fella named Jiminy. I was like who in the Hell names their kid Jiminy! But it’s possible I aint got room to talk.
Well the three of us was trying to figure how we got on this here boat and how we got chained together. Seems none of us could remember gettin snatched. I managed to free one of my hands from the cuff, but it tore me up good, so I was a bit leary bout doin’ it twice. However, we hear another voice and we discover it belongs to a short fella name of Janis. Turns out he’s a hafling. Now Janis offers to unlock us all, well not Jiminy, on the count of him being part elf I rekon. Anyhow, the only way he’ll agree to lettin’ us loose is by us swearing to one year servitude. Now I had one hand loose and might be able to get the other, but there wernt no way I was gonna be able to free my feet the same way. So Alvanas and me say we’ll serve, and good to his word Janis gets us loose. Im thinkin ‘bout this time he’s some sort of rougish fella, but I keep that tidbit to myself. Course Jiminy starts complainin’ bout Janis not lettin’ him loose too. Alvanas and me discuss with Janis that three fellas might be better than two, since Janis explains he wants us to attack the hobgoblins who are sailing this boat, in the eminent assault. Janis sets him loose, but not after makin Jiminy agree to five years servitude. Me and Alvanas were like it sucks to be that guy, but what can you do.
So the three of us devise our plan of attack, which included using Jiminy as bait when we opened the hatch, and try to lure the hobgoblins down to the hold to kill them off. So we throw open the hatch and a hobgoblin sees and starts hollerin’ down at us. Now here’s the real genius part of the plan. When the hobgoblin starts down the steps Alvanas, who is hidin’ under em is to grab his feet so he trips, then I’ll jump him and whack em and take his weapons. Course I had to break some poor sots femer in half to use as daggers, and im hopin’ his ghost don’t haunt me much fer that.
So surprisingly the plan actually begins to work. The hobgoblin is hollerin’ at Jiminy and starts down the steps. Now this is the part where stuff gets a bit tricky. First the hobgoblin is wielding a crossbow, and that don’t look good for Jiminy one ounce. Second it turns out that Alvanas is just to skinny and the hobgoblin to heavy to pull him off his feet. However, with some luck Alvanas manages to knock the dirty rascal on his face. Now at this point I leap on the dog, jabbing him with that fellas leg bones, but it aint doin a lot of good. Then I get an idea. Ill just take his short sword that’s hangin’ right there on his belt. Boom! One of us has to be the brains. Then a second hobgoblin begins to come down and that Jiminy starts shoutin’ al-a-peanut-butter-sandwiches! And then a bunch of crazy lights and that makes the second Goblin fall face first on top of the other one. Course me and Alvanas were like, What the, could have mentioned that trick a bit earlier yeah? Its was right about that time when the Halfling shows back up and low and behold he had set the dadblamed boat alight! This situation was getting ugly fast. So we manage to dispatch the two goblins what had tripped on the steps and we climbed over their bodies to the deck. The other goblins were lowerin’ a life boat down, on account of the boat burnin’ up, so we all made a bee line for it. Now I never met a Halfling what could out pace me, but Ill be dammed if that Janis didn’t just blaze past us all toward the life boat. Now hear this! That dirty dog dropped caltrops in front of the rest of us as he fled. WTF! Who asks fellas to be in servitude and then tries to kill em, all within a few minutes of each other. On top of that he slammed the hatch on Jiminy and we wasn’t sure he was gonna get out before bein’ burned alive!
Good news is that we all made it over the side ‘fore the ship sunk, but now we was floatin on the high seas on top of barrels. Janis had landed in the life boat but got in a skirmish with a hobgoblin and was pulled under. We never saw him re-surface, so we said good riddance, and started kickin’ our way toward this Island which we was near. So we get to the island and realize all we got is a couple barrels of stinky goblin fish and a barrel of rum. So we was mopin’ around thinkin’ we was gonna starve, when we see that the fish have attracted a whole mess of crabs on shore, so we snatch em up and have us an all-you-can eat crab leg dinner. After that we just crashed for the night.
So the next mornin’ we figure we should figure out where we was, so we start walkin down the beach. Next thing we know there was that dirty rascal Halfling Janis. Ah crud, we say to ourselves, cause now we are back in servitudism. Not good. So Janis starts bossin’ us around again and we all head off to see what we can see. Well we come across this hatchway in some stone outcropping and it has a ladder. So we send Jiminy down there to check it out. I mean that fella was down right gullible. But it turns out it were a mine. Janis starts bossin us find the gold and steal it for him. Now we wernt the stealin kinds, but we decide to investigate anyhow. Alvanas and me went down one tunnel and Janis and Jiminy down the other, but soon enough we come out of our tunnel and there is Janis and jiminy standin there starin at this big wall.
Now at this time we send jiminy over to see whats there and it turns out it belongs to a band of dwarves, and they are none to happy to have us skulkin around down there. So Jiminy or Alvanas one, that parts kinda fuzzy, tells the dwarves that we were servin Janis and he was tryin to make us find and steal their gold. Well that makes their blood boil and they take us all captive. So next mornin’ they bring us all to this room and they have the Halfling tied up to some contraption sayin’ they’re gonna execute him. Now ‘bout that time there was a huge quake and the whole thing comes crashin down so me, Alvanis and Jiminy scram. We get back to the tunnels what brought us down and start makin fer the exit. But as we’re hauling tail up there we see a huge minin’ machine start scootin into place to come down the tunnel we was in. it wasn’t looking good fer yer old gramps, but at the last moment I spy a lever to the side and I pull it. And guess what? The machine stops, so we run past. On the way up the ladder, jiminy pulls another lever on this side and the machine starts down the tunnel again toward the dwarves. Course we didn’t stick around for that endin’. We made like a mule train and hauled ass. Then we found us a good place to catch some shut eye, but we never saw that Halfling come outta that hole so we said good riddance.
Well that’s all fer now. Y’all git.